Saying goodbye

On Friday, I had to do something that I've been dreading since I was a little girl. I had to say goodbye to my Nanny. I used to cry when leaving her house as a kid, always dreading losing her. Two months shy of her 90th birthday my Nanny fell down the stairs and into a coma for the last two weeks. She stayed on long enough to lock eyes on my mother and I for a good 20 minutes as through tears and sobs I rushed out to say everything she already knew, but that I needed to say again just in case. I was told that after we left, she didn't open her eyes again. A day and a half later she passed away. I'd like to think she was waiting to say goodbye to me too, although she couldn't talk, her blue eyes said it all as they fixated on us as we moved about her and rambled on and stroked her hair.

To me, my nanny was everything that was good in this world or as she would say, sugar and spice and everything nice. She helped take care of me since I was a few weeks old and we've been inseparable ever since. A part of me is her thanks to her influence growing up. But after seeing her in the condition that I last saw her in, I'm not crying that God took her, I'm crying for myself. For the friend I lost and now being in a world where my Nanny isn't there to love me. I can only be thankful that she was in my life to begin with, that I got to say goodbye and that she was able to attend my wedding and meet my husband.

I'm still in shock thoughright now, but I'm no stranger to grief and know that although I'm crying now, it will really hurt later down the road when I see something that reminds me of my Nanny and will feel that pain come to life again. God bless you Nanny, I'll love you forever.
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